First Messy Draft
First Messy Draft is a reflective podcast about identity, growth, and the quiet shifts that happen as we move through adulthood.
Hosted by Erica Person, each episode explores the moments when we begin to outgrow old expectations, titles, and versions of ourselves. Through thoughtful reflection and real-life observations, this space invites listeners to slow down, look inward, and consider what it means to keep becoming.
This podcast is for women who are evolving quietly.
Not in crisis. Not falling apart. Just… changing.
If you’ve been feeling more reflective lately, outgrowing old versions of yourself or searching for language for what you're experiencing—you may find yourself at home here.
Because the truth is, most of us are still writing our first messy drafts.
First Messy Draft
Am I Operating from Pressure or Purpose?
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Can pressure disguise itself as purpose?
In this episode, I wrestle with the tension between urgency and obedience. I share how fear of missing opportunities can quietly drive my decisions—and why I'm learning that purpose often requires trust, waiting, and surrender.
If you've ever wondered whether you're moving because God said "go" or because you're afraid to miss your chance, this conversation is for you.
Because becoming is messy. Growth is real.
In process, Erica
Sometimes I wonder if I'm chasing opportunities or running from the fear of missing them. Welcome to First Messy Draft, where becoming is messy, but growth is real. I'm Erica, and this is a space where we slow down and reflect on life while we're still in the middle of our becoming. Welcome back, you guys. I just want to start out with a question for today that I've been thinking about this for about a week or two. It is, can pressure disguise itself as purpose? I don't know if you've ever asked yourself that question, but it's just been going around in my head because I realize that I move pretty fast. For instance, if I get an idea, it's like the light bulb goes off. I'll start writing down stuff, researching, looking it up. I'm on YouTube university, like it's nobody's business. I'm Googling, trying to figure out how do I do this thing? How do I make this happen? Has anyone else done this? Anything like this out there on the market? Reading articles, making lists. I mean, I have like a gazillion notebooks. Notebooks are my thing. I'll start writing some an idea in this notebook. Then I'll come back and get another notebook. Okay, well, I want to think about this or write about this. Okay, well, I need another notebook. Surely I can't be the only one. But I'm making these lists and I'm like just imagining in my mind, okay, where could this idea go? Thinking about marketing. Thinking about who would like it. Where could I take this? It's almost like my brain, you know, gets that rush of excitement. And somewhere last week, I had to stop and ask myself, why do I do that? I actually wrote an article about it in my Substack, Margin Notes. I'm gonna do a plug. Margin Notes is the name of my Substack, if you guys want to go over there and take a look at it. But I just decided to um just vocally go in and talk about this topic a little more. And I'm like, why do I do that? Why do I feel so pressed to if I hear an idea, see an idea, just to like go all out? Is it because God is leading me? I mean, that's a valid question. Or I really, you know, I started journaling about this and I wrote down, I was like, or am I liter literally afraid that if I don't move, right then in that instant that someone else will. And hey, um I'm just being real. Because I realized that at times I do have a fear of missing opportunities. I'll think like, okay, if I don't do this, someone else is gonna do this and take this idea, they're gonna run with it, they're gonna be successful, and I'll be sitting back looking on the sidelines with regrets. So I'll rush. And another part of me that has to admit, sometimes I'll even start the researching the groundwork before I even pray for it. I haven't prayed, consulting God not one time about nothing. I'm just, hey, I'm just keeping it real today. And I wrote that on that piece of paper and I was like, yep, girl, there's you in black and white. Because it's easy for me to convince myself that all of these exciting ideas that I have, they must be from God, right? I'm like, oh God, you you know my heart. You you know what I'm gonna think before I think it. That's what I tell myself. Like, God, you gave me this idea, right? So surely this is what he wants me to do. I mean, maybe sometimes that that is true. But there's that other 50% of the chance that sometimes I'm just trying to justify what I already wanted to do anyway. I mean. And that realization was humbling. I also noticed something else. That sometimes I'll even reach for scripture to justify what I want to do. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not doing it on purpose to misuse the scripture, but because hey, it just helps me feel, you know, or give permission to keep moving. Like, okay. And quite frankly, I've never said that out loud. But when I read it, I was like, girl, hey, but I'm just being honest. Surely it's someone else out there that you have done or are doing or have gone through the same thing as I am. So I'm hoping that me sharing this with you will help free you as well. Free you from the shame that you potentially feel. But on the flip side of the pressure, the pressure part, it can have a way, you know, of looking or dressing up to appear spiritual. You know, you get that urgency and like, oh, I've gotta be obedient. But sometimes I start to wonder if they're not the same. The same thing. Because purpose, it does not seem frantic. Purpose, you're willing to wait, you're willing to trust God, and you know that you feel it in your heart, and you have faith, and you know, okay, God, you have something for me, and I'm gonna trust you. Trust you at your word. Because I now know that I don't have to chase everything. I don't have to panic. And I don't have to live afraid that I'm gonna miss what God has for me. And so I was like, wow, well, what okay, so this means that the pressure, I can't always blame the pressure on others, on social media, on the algorithm, or the creators, or the culture. So I'm like, okay, well, maybe the pressure was coming from me. So that's literally where I find myself today. I am still asking questions. You guys, I'm still becoming. I do not have all the answers. I am not arrived. I am just open now to change, intentional living, mindset shifting, honoring God through this pot process of growth and evolution. That's where I am right now in my life. So I said all of that to say I am moving forward and no longer afraid to miss anything.
SPEAKER_01Because what God has for me, it is for me. So I want you to ask yourself the same question.
SPEAKER_00Are you moving because you're afraid to miss something? Or because God actually said for you to go. G oh go. Think about it. Every area of your life, God said, Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he shall direct your path. Now I'm not trying to preach, okay? But that scripture came to mind, and I had to sit with that because if I was really being honest, I was not acknowledging him in all my ways. So therefore, I shouldn't be shocked as my thinking and me being disarrayed, going to and fro, not where to go, being confused, because I was not acknowledging him in all my ways.
SPEAKER_01So I leave that question for you today. Thanks for spending this little time with me today.
SPEAKER_00Until next time, I want you to keep moving forward and keep becoming. Don't let anyone tell you who you are. God already said who you are. You are the head and not the tail. You are above and not beneath. You are a child of the most high. And if you have to speak that to yourself every single day, that's what I've started doing. Literally every single morning when I get up.
SPEAKER_01Wake up with gratitude. Be thankful for another day.
SPEAKER_00Thank God for who He is, acknowledge Him, and you command your day how you see fit. And you command that with the word of God. Okay, I don't even know where all that came from, but I'm speaking to you and I'm speaking to myself as well. Because I am really desiring to move. I said I will not be the same person the end of this year as I was January one. And I meant just that. I have made it a conscious decision and conscious effort to change the trajectory of my life. And I am going full speed ahead, all gas, no breaks. So I know if this woman who used to be the fearful in the corner, timid, scared, not wanting to express herself, fearful, anxious, didn't like meeting new people, paranoid of all kinds of people. If I can do it, you can too. It just makes a conscious decision. You decide. And I know that we hear so many people on social media, the gurus, oh you can do this, you can do this. No. You can have whatever it is you desire, but you've got to make a change. You've got to want it as well.
SPEAKER_01And I can definitely say that consistency is key. Just make that step. You can do it.
SPEAKER_00Whatever it is, we're gonna do this together because I am still learning myself. I am still amazed at the things that I have accomplished these past couple of months. I've been working with a coach. Not many people don't even know that. This is the first time I've even expressed this. But to see my progress from the last eight weeks is astounding. Being able to look and say, oh my gosh, I really did that. And being able to honor and celebrate myself and not feel guilty or any type of way.
SPEAKER_01So, ladies, I said all that to say. I'm here with you. I see you. We're walking through this together.
SPEAKER_00Until next time, becoming is messy. Growth is real. You got this.