I Said "No New Friends"... But That Was Fear Talking

There was a time when “no new friends” felt like protection. 
Less people, less problems… right? 

But what happens when that mindset starts to feel more like a wall than safety? 

In this episode, I’m unpacking my own journey with connection; what it looked like to keep my circle small, what shifted when I stepped into new rooms, and what I had to admit to myself along the way. This isn’t about collecting people building an entourage.

It’s about alignment, discernment, and being honest about what you actually desire. 

In process, Erica

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

I didn't avoid friendships because I didn't want them. I simply avoided them because I didn't trust them. Welcome to First Messy Draft, where becoming is messy, but growth is real. I'm Erica, and this is a space where we slow down and reflect on life while we're still in the middle of our becoming. You remember when that no new friends phase hit? Yeah, you remember? When that Drake song hit, it was like everybody was on that, and I was too. I was like, yeah, I'm good. I don't need anybody, I'm straight. Honestly, it kind of validated how I already felt. Because prior to that, hey, do you remember you, GK? Nobody needs nobody. All I need is me and my dogs. Oh, okay, let me calm down. I told y'all I was gonna be referencing songs, right? No, but seriously. Because you know, growing up, you always hear about women. Um, they can be catty, jealous, messy, etc. So in my mind, I was like, yeah, let me just stay over here in my, you know, little reclusive state. I'm good. I've got my mom, I've got my sister.

SPEAKER_00 1:37

Those are all the female people in my life that I needed at the time. Like, think about it.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

When you see those women on TV together, they are bonding, they're laughing, connected, open, you know, just being all emotional and letting all of their fears and angers and everything that they're going through in life, leaving it all out there for all to see. I used to look at that and like, yeah, okay, that's cute and everything, but that's not real. That's just TV. So I always kept my circle small.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

That to me felt safe.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

And that felt like enough. I didn't even realize at the time, but I was protecting myself.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Because if I don't let people in, I don't have to deal with that disappointment. But here's a part I had to be honest about.

SPEAKER_01 2:54

It wasn't that I didn't want friends. Literally, I was I was afraid, just gonna be honest. Afraid of being judged, misunderstood. Okay, what if I let my guard down, then they throw it back up in my face, the things that I say. So, you know what? I I'm just gonna keep my walls built up, not let anyone in.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

And I was comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 3:26

And things didn't really start to shift in me until I believe I started my business. My husband and I, we started a photo booth business. And how many of you know that nobody's gonna know about your business? Okay, you're in the event industry. Like, you have to talk to people, you have to communicate, you have to know people. This means you have to network. So this forced me to get outside, literally. I had to get out. I had to be in rooms with people that I did not know. Was it uncomfortable? Yes. Is it still uncomfortable? Yes, it is. That's when something unexpected happened, though. I mean, I started going to these events. I'm like, I'm gonna get out here. I'm just gonna step out on faith, go meet new people. I started meeting women, and I mean not these surface-level women, but women who were doing things, building things, building companies, evolving, growing. And I would be in these rooms thinking to myself, gosh, who am I to even be here in close proximity? Like these women, I know them. Like they have my number. I can reach out to them. It felt surreal. I mean, not to put them up on a pedestal or anything, but it's like sitting in the rooms and being able to be included on that energy. Being in those spaces, it did something to me. I mean, to watch from afar the conversations, the support. I mean, these women, I don't even know if most of them knew each other. But they would be talking, high-fiving, and like, okay, girl, what are you working on? How can we support you? Okay, I'm working on this. I'm having this event. And it was pure, genuine love and care for each other. It felt like this is how life is supposed to be. So I had to ask myself, am I being shown something? Or am I being introduced to where I actually belong?

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Because I must say that it did not feel foreign. It felt kind of familiar in a way that I could not explain. So I start questioning myself. Like, am I my sister's keeper?

SPEAKER_01 6:41

Even if I don't know these women personally, because something in me was like recognizing something in them. Like, I don't know you, but I know you if you get what I mean, if that makes any sense. I mean, I haven't arrived or anything, but I did make a conscious decision within myself. I got so tired of letting fear run everything in my life. The fear of judgment, rejection, fear of looking, fear of looking awkward. Because think about it, who determines what awkward is anyway? I mean, seriously, when I got to thinking about that, okay, who are you to say what looks awkward? Oh, seriously. I got a little emotional. I know. I whenever I think about that, that just irks me like, really? I'm giving away my power to someone else. And half the time, people don't even really care what you got going on because they're so focused on doing their own thing. But in our minds, we feel like, oh my gosh, everyone's gonna be looking at me. But I do know this: that there is more for me. I don't fully know what it looks like, but I know I don't want to leave here having played it small.

SPEAKER_00 8:14

I recently came across this post on Instagram about the eldest daughter syndrome.

SPEAKER_01 8:27

How the eldest daughter is always a one, she's the prototype who is looked upon to her siblings to be the one.

SPEAKER_00 8:38

She is the example. She has a lot on her plate, the pressure. And it hit me in a way I didn't.

SPEAKER_01 8:53

I'm like, what? Because I realize I've always been the one who owes it together, the one who observes, figures it out. But I've never had that older sister. I'm like, oh my gosh, that is so true. I'm the older sister. I'll never have an older sister. Like, I've never had someone who naturally pours into me in that way, if that makes any sense to what I'm saying. I think that's where some of, I can say, some of my loneliness might have come from. Not because I didn't want the connection, but because I didn't even fully realize what I was missing.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

So now I can say honestly, I do dish desire friendship. But not just any type of friendship.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

I mean, I don't want surface level all the time. I want some depth, you know. I want to be able to talk about life, family, growth, relationships, finances, purpose, you know, random stuff. Like, we can be real and be layered, you know. We can talk about little ratchet reality TVs and Netflix, you know, anything. I'm hey, I'm still me.

SPEAKER_00 10:23

But I want authenticity.

SPEAKER_01 10:29

And I would say that I want to feel like I can say at any time, okay, I'm not okay today, and not feel judged for saying that. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying who you meet just go off and tell all your business. That's not what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 10:54

I would say vulnerability mixed with a lot of discernment. So I'm still learning.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

But I do know I'm no longer hiding behind I don't need anybody. Because that was not true. That was me protecting myself. So I thought. Maybe this is part of my becoming. Being honest about what I want, letting my guard down little by little, allowing myself to experience connection in a new way. So if you've ever told yourself you don't need anybody, I just want you to sit with that for a second. Is it really that you don't need people? Or is it that you never felt safe enough to need them?

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Once again, this is your reminder. You don't have to have it all figured out.

SPEAKER_01 12:04

Just be honest about where you are. This is first messy draft. Becoming is messy, but growth is real.